Duck, duck...GOOSE!

In response to an invasion by American forces led by John Candy, our not-so-friendly neighbor to the north, Canada, has launched an air strike on the citizenry of the United States - namely this citizen.

I narrowly escaped becoming a casualty of this tense conflict yesterday, avoiding what would surely have been an international incident. What follows is a harrowing tale of timing, fortune and sheer dumb luck. The following is intended for mature audiences only - viewer discretion is advised.

I was returning to my apartment home in the waning twilight of the day when I heard a sound that chilled my soul and made my blood run cold. It was the ominous honking of the Canadian Goose. No sooner did I hear the honking than I saw a great formation of geese appear over the rise. The cloud of geese blocked out what little light was remaining.

I instantly felt the fear those feel who view their mortality in a split-second video played before their eyes. I quickly snapped out of it, however, and did what any man in my situation would do: I ran for cover.

I reached the protective covering of my porch and turned around to witness carnage never meant for human eyes. In the very spot I was standing previously I witnessed a precision guided smart-bomb explode with unparalleled viciousness and a resounding "SPLAT!". Mercifully, I was spared a fate worse than death.

Remember, when you hear the honk, don't be brave and don't be a hero, just get yourself under something real quick. Those Canucks are crazy, eh!