Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Lazy days...

Our nation is built on the principle of work. Immigrants would flock to America and ply their trade, hoping for a better life than the one they left behind. Unfortunately, that ethic is bring lost on today's generation. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a lazy person by nature. I try and combat it by working hard, but when it comes right down to it - I'm lazy. For example, I should be doing homework right now instead of writing a nonsensical blog post about laziness yet I find myself tinkering around doing nothing. As of late, though, I haven't had the opportunity to be lazy, what with work, school and now being engaged, I just haven't had the time to be lazy. How sad is that?

I take comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my laziness. Our country, it seems, is becoming more and more lazy. I'm sure there are some stats out there that support my assumption, but I'm just not feeling like looking it up right now.

Accompanying laziness is a sedentary lifestyle. This can lead to health problems for some people because food intake doesn't usually decrease when activity does. I'm not a doctor, but it would seem to me that the food has to go somewhere and if you're not burning it up, it probably stays with you. Additionally, lazy people don't usually take the time to prepare meals and as such eat very unhealthy.

Indeed, the problems of laziness and unhealthy eating appear, in some cases, to go hand-in-hand and are leading to the decline of our once-great nation. Fortunately, there are people and organizations that are fighting this epidemic. And no, I'm not talking about the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports, the American Heart Association, or even the National Institute on Health.

Grocery stores, like Albertson's, and Smith's, are increasingly finding themselves on the front lines in the fight against laziness. How is this possible, you ask? People have been walking through markets for centuries selecting food and other commodities, how is today any different?

Have you seen, in most grocery stores, the self-checkout machines popping up? They're inspiring the re-birth of the American values of work and independence by sloughing their checkout responsibilities onto the lazy citizens of this country and allowing you to scan and bag your own Twinkies. Very innovative.

Now if I can just figure out how that's going to help me finish this post, I'll be set. Oh well... I'll get around to it later.

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Move

I get asked all the time for relationship advice from my single friends, and it makes complete sense - a nearly 30 year old single LDS guy in Utah must have all the answers, right?

While many things with dating and courtship have remained the same over the years, science has shown, as a result of careful study and investigation, dating is changing. Judging by the number of dating books in your local Barnes & Noble, dating has been analyzed and poked and prodded until almost everything that can be known about it is known, and published. That is not to say, however, that women have been explained; even science has its limitations.

For generations, guys have been trying to woo the fairer sex, with varying levels of success. Because these attempts have been going on for so long, there are some standard practices that have been passed down from generation to generation among the menfolk. One of these practices is known affectionately as "The Move".

I believe most people are, at least cognitively, familiar with this technique, but for those who may not be, please allow me to explain. Scientifically speaking, The Move is a time-tested, battle-proven technique whereby a male, sitting adjacent to a female, pretends to stretch his arm behind the female and somehow, magically almost, it lands on the opposite side of the female, effectively positioned to induce a proximity narrowing position. Stated simply, it's an easy way for a guy to get his arm around a girl.

This move, while highly effective, is not without its failures. Most females are so familiar with The Move that they can see it coming a mile away. This isn't a problem; there are two possible outcomes when executing The Move: success and failure. Built into The Move is a failure prevention technique. If the guy senses that the girl is set to reject The Move, he can easily bring his arm back to its original resting place and shrug off the attempt as a legitimate stretch, thereby saving face and avoiding possible embarrassment.

The Move can be implemented in many situations, but is traditionally found in movie theaters where the dim lighting and the soothing THX surround sound system creates an environment ripe for wooing. Unfortunately, the scientific studies mentioned previously have not, to my knowledge, performed any scientific inquiry into the success rate of The Move in theaters. If they had they would have discovered that the attempt rate of The Move has dropped off drastically in movie theaters across the nation - something science had not considered.

What is the cause of this drop off? The answer is simple: the anti-Move arm rest. Most theaters now attempt to accommodate those brave lads who try to pull The Move by making their arm rests movable. They can go up, or go down. In the "up" position it allows the guy an easy attempt at The Move. Not only is access improved, but there is a little pad between the seats to further accommodate a successful Move by making the two seats become one large, comfortable seat.

However, these very same arm rests have prevented many a Move. Generally, upon entering the theater, the arm rests are found in the "up" position - the perfect setup. When things go awry is when your company for the evening moves the arm rest into the "down" position - effectively communicating "that is your space and this is mine and never the twain shall meet." The Move has met its match.

When you're in a theater and you see that bad boy come down, know that you don't have a play. It's time to just sit back and enjoy the show.