Thursday, November 12, 2009

I ain't scared!

A phobia is a "persistent, irrational fear of a specific object, activity, or situation that leads to a compelling desire to avoid it." These phobias come in many shapes and sizes. Some are more incapacitating than others.

Topping the list of the ten most phobias is arachnophobia (the fear of spiders), and ophidiophobia (the fear of snakes). Not too much further down the list is cynophobia - the fear of dogs. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm a recovering cynophobic. As the saying goes, "time heals all wounds." I know that I'm not a completely recovered cynophobe but I'm working on it. However, there are bigger fish to fry right now.

I also have two lesser known, but equally debilitating, phobias. I don't know that they have names just yet as they are probably off the phobologists' collective radar. Don't laugh...these are things I deal with on a daily basis. I haven't yet developed a complex over them, but I'm convinced that's due solely to my vigilance in protecting myself against these phobias so they don't come to pass.

What are these irrational fears, you ask?

Firstly, I'm afraid that I'll be walking in public with my zipper down. Zipping up becomes such a part of the routine that there are times that you don't think about it at all. It's kind of like when you are driving somewhere familiar and all of a sudden *POOF* you're there and you have no idea how you got there, but yet there you are. When this kind of short-term amnesia is zipper-related, a moment of panic ensues - did I zip up or did I forget..I don't know...I can't remember! Alarm bells ring, my face flushes and I immediately seek a casual way of checking to make sure I'm secure down south. I'm usually able to accomplish this by a subtle belt buckle adjustment. So far I haven't had any issues, that I know of anyway.

My other phobia, coincidentally, involves bathrooms. However, this time it's a place I'm not familiar with that scares me - the women's bathroom. Sometimes when you're in a public place and in a hurry to answer nature's call you just rush into the nearest restroom. Like driving and zipping up, this can be an autopilot occurrence. Sometimes I don't check the signs well enough as I'm walking in. There is a split second of sheer horror as I realize that I may have just walked cavalier-like into the women's restroom. I wait for the inevitable screaming, but it doesn't come. There's a urinal. Ahhh...I picked the right door. I've been lucky so far, but one day, unavoidably, I fear I will pick the wrong door and have to deal with the consequences of it.

They say the best way to overcome a fear is to face it head on, so if you see me with my zipper down heading into the women's restroom, just pat me on the back, wish me well, praise me for my courage and know that I'm confronting my fear.


Bonnie said...

Oh, this is SO familiar (not the fly part - for some reason I've never worried about that - what's up with you guys?). I was once so distracted with my thoughts that I walked right in the men's, past a guy at the urinal, and was comfortably ensconced in my stall before I realized where I was. Walking out was a painful experience because this time I registered the cause of the sideways looks. I will NEVER forget! Those poor guys! Now you have a new fear, that you will be where you're supposed to be and the women's bathroom will come to you!

Martha said...

So funny and yet so sad. You know, there is always a long line at the Ladie's Room Door, while no one enters the Men's Room. I have, I admit, left the women's line and entered the men's room! There, I have confessed.

Tiffany said...

Haha! You should be aware that not all bathrooms are created equal...well actually some bathrooms are created equal. I was at a restaurant in San Fran once and as I exited the stall, or rather the room, there were 5 fully enclosed bathroom rooms within the bathroom...anyway as I was exiting and went to wash my hands I looked over and a guy was washing his hands too! I turned all shades of red, laughed and started looking around....this guy was chuckling too, but didn't say anything. So I leave the bathroom, go straight to the sign on the door. The sign has the symbol for both men and women!! Lucky for me our booth was right by the bathrooms...and when my mom and sister went to use the bathroom, I decided it would be best to not tell them about my experience, muhahaha. It was a riot. The whole night I would watch guys walk into the bathrooms then awkwardly jump out of there, try to act cool and find the "mens" room. I would shout over there occasionally and tell them they were in the right place. One guy was like, "really, really? this is so weird! Are you pulling a joke on me?" Alas I must say that your story amuses me Jason...bathroom stories are the best. I often worry about autopiolot too...more on the mascara end of things though. I think maybe your should have a code for if anyone sees your fly down...on second thought that'd be awkward, lol. I'll just give ya pat on the back when I see you rushing to the womens bathroom.